Today I purchased a couple of things at some different stores. Twice I was asked whether I was “in our system.” To the surprise of the clerk, I answered, “what does it matter?”

In both cases, I ended up asking the clerks a simple question. “What is the benefit to me of being in your system?” In both cases, the clerks had difficulty articulating how I would benefit from taking additional time to complete the sale by giving them my name and address so I could be added to their customer database.

While I’m not surprised that neither clerk could articulate the value or benefit of being in their customer database, it did remind me that this sort of thing happens all the time in the technology industry.

Some companies assume that it is enough to do a good job of describing the features of a product. This is equivalent to the clerks who–in the form of a question–said, “One of the features of our store is a customer database. Would you like to use this feature? It will only cost you two minutes.”

This approach puts the burden of translating the feature into a benefit or value on the customer, who is often ill-prepared to make this translation. Why didn’t these clerks instead frame the feature in terms of its benefits? And not its benefit to the business; i.e. the ability to send me advertising, but in terms of its benefit to the customer. Something like, “If you’re in our system, we can process a merchandise return twice as fast. Are you in our system?”

Remember that while it’s good to describe features, it’s better to lead with the value or the benefit of those features. Save for the feature descriptions for after you’ve hooked a prospect with the value or benefits of your product or service.

If you want to discuss ideas for using content marketing to get the word out about your product, drop us a line at TheLions@wordlions.com.

A German company named Datango followed me on Twitter. Of course, I was interested in knowing what they do, so I checked out their web page. WOW, they make some software that looks great! While reading their Product description page, I felt that the purpose and value of their product could be expressed more strongly.

I really believe that you should not hold back when you are talking about what your product does and why a customer should hand over money to buy it. Of course, your tone should be correct for your intended audience. By that, I mean it should match the tone in which your customers generally speak while also leading them into a state of mind that is conducive to buying your product.

Yes, It Could Be Better

So with a steely glint in my eyes, I set a timer for 45 minutes and gave myself the challenge of improving the copy on Datango’s product page.

First, here’s the original copy (be sure to click the image to see a full-resolution version):

(click for a larger version)

Some Ideas For Betterment

While re-writing the copy for this page, I felt like the following things could be improved:

• Don’t put the product name in quotes. In US English, quotes around a word or phrase indicate that you intend the reader to look for a secondary meaning for that word or phrase, or in some cases that you intend a sarcastic tone.
• Remove the word product at the top of the copy. It’s redundant with the menu bar at page top.
• Remove the tag line from the top of the copy. It raises more questions than it answers.
• Be more clear about what the product does. Bullet lists are often a great way to do this.
• Add more value statements. This has to be woven in to the copy throughout.
• Take a bit of emphasis off the company. Of course, the quality and reputation of the company is important, but this particular page on the web site is focused on the product, and so the focus should stay there.
• Attempt to link the product to the problem it solves.

Better, Version 1

The copy after my rewrite (click for a larger version)

Better, Version 2

A more toned-down after version (click for a larger version)

Conclusion

Datango, please don’t be mad at us. We like the look of your product, and hope that our suggestions on your web copy are helpful.

If you are an international company and want to speak more clearly and persuasively to the US audience, please send us an email (thelions@wordlions.com). We’d love to discuss ideas on improving your message!

Recently, two interesting articles showed up in my RSS reader at almost the same time. Taken together, they illustrate why it’s important to make sure that quality technical content is a fundamental part of any complex product.

Every once in a while, you stumble across something you just know could be done better. It happened to Philip last week when he was in a Portland-area U-HAUL store picking up cardboard boxes for his upcoming move to the Oregon coast. He spied the U-HAUL 2 3/4″ Storage Lock which was adorned with the following text on the back of the product packaging:

This is the actual product packaging

U-HAUL

STORAGE LOCK 2 3/4″ (70MM)

U-HAUL continuously improves products and this #02870 Storage Padlock is no exception. German Engineering is further improved with the inclusion of the World’s Finest Stainless Steel Metallurgy from Japan. Newly enhanced internal parts are hardened and galvanized. Precisely manufactured in China using the latest technology. U-HAUL specifies a unique sequence of 143 distinct operations necessary to create this level of premium quality. The end result is a brand new U-HAUL Stainless Steel Armored Disc Storage Padlock that is secure. It is simply guaranteed to last a lifetime. If this lock stops working just send it to:U-HAUL Lock Dept., 1690 N. Topping, Kansas City, MO 64120. We will send you a new lock for free and a check to cover your postage.

U-HAUL IS NOT LIABLE FOR INCIDENTAL OR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES.  Remember : THE KEYWAY SHOULD ONLY BE LUBRICATED WITH GRAPHITE. Never use oil or grease in the keyway. Three drain holes allow sever weather operation and you can lubricate the gardened steel shackle through these holes to insure continued smoother operation.

FEATURES

Security Enhanced Materials

Stainless Steel

Hardened and Galvanized Parts

Tough Armored Case

Laser welded super strong to resist attack

Guarded Steel Chackle

Small opening minimizes attacks by bolt cutters, saws, files, etc.

Precision Mechanism

Yale Keyway

Five Pins

Very hard to pick

TWO KEYS INCLUDED

Stainless Steel – Lifetime Guarantee

Yes, It Can Be Better!

Philip set a timer for 20 minutes and did his best to re-write the copy on the back of this product. His goals were to:

• Simplify the copy
• Employ more active voice
• Emphasize the key value points (and make headlines out of the benefits rather than the features)
• Increase the interest level of the copy
• Most importantly, create a message that jumps out at the potential customer rather than overwhelms them with long-form paragraphs of detail and shouty, all caps text

We think he did a pretty good job! Here’s the revised copy, along with a mockup of how this would flow onto the product packaging (the mockup took another 15 minutes).

Mockup of the updated copy

Secure to the Core

Security for your possessions doesn’t stop at the surface. With the U-HAUL 02870 Storage Padlock, it goes to the heart of the product.

U-HAUL worked with German security experts to design the world’s finest storage padlock. These engineers masterminded a process that brings together state of the art lock design, the best available Japanese stainless steel, and precision Chinese manufacturing. The result is a lock that lets you rest easy. You simply can’t buy a finer lock to protect your possessions, and it’s guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Bulletproof Materials

Secure by Design

Easy Maintenance
Your U-HAUL Storage Padlock is almost maintenance-free. These easy steps keep it working as smoothly as the day you bought it:

• Lubricate the keyhole with graphite once per year. Never use oil or grease.
• Use light machine oil in the drain holes at the bottom of the lock once per year to keep the shackle turning smoothly.

U-HAUL is not liable for incidental or consequential damages. If this lock ever has any problem, mail it to the address below. We will replace the lock and pay for your postage right away.

U-HAUL Lock Department
1590 N. Topping
Kansas City, MO 64120

U-HAUL, Please Don’t be Upset

If anyone at U-HAUL is reading this, first please don’t sue us. We like your services and products, and want to see you do even better than you already are. Second, please feel free to use this copy in your marketing. We release any claim to ownership or copyright on the revised copy. It’s our gift to you, no strings attached.

Word Lions are two well-intentioned guys who make technical communication that sings. If you need better content marketing, please contact us at info@wordlions.com.